I’m a hypocrite

Hello everybody!

As you may see from the title this is going to be about a personal conflict that I recently discovered. I recently started watching Valeria Lipovetsky on YouTube. She is a 26-year-old model and mom, and on such a short time she made me realize that I’m being a hypocrite to myself. I want to change that fact!

even though I’ve been bullied in high school, I’ve never cried as much in a year as I have now. In fact I can count the times I’ve cried over bullying on one hand, because I know this was going to end. When high school is over, I will never have to see those people again and everything is going to be glorious. I calmed myself with the though that maybe high school wasn’t my time. But college will be.

I have never been so wrong in my entire 20 year-long life. My anxiety spike, panic is almost a constant factor in my life. I constantly feel as if I forgot half of the stuff I had to do. I do not feel happy. I am working for school all the time, I have seen my friends (what’s left of them anyway) 1 time this semester, I’ve been out 3 time. 2 of which were only till 12 o’clock or earlier, because I had school. I don’t think my studies are particularly had, but it’s all I can think about. when I don’t the panic is there within 5 minutes. I don’t know if this is what I want, actually I know this isn’t what I want.

Recently I learned that to build healthy relationship, friendship or romantic, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Because you cannot put that burden on somebody else. Thank you, Valeria, you are absolutely right. And the only times I am enjoying myself is with my friends and boyfriend. But that shouldn’t be the case, i should be happy when I’m on my own as well. I should love what I’m doing, instead of panicking and crying in my dorm.

I’ve always wanted to become a teacher, for as long as I can remember, so why shouldn’t I quit speech therapy and you do what I’ve always wanted to do? see the hypocrisy, as you may or may not know my favorite quote is:

sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

which my blog name also refers to. And I try to life by it as much as I can. So why don’t I just do it now, take my 20 seconds and change studies to do something I’ve always wanted to do? because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough? Because I lack the confidence? Because I don’t want to let people down? All of these are true thoughts I have

I can be a good speech therapist, but I could be a great teacher. Maybe I overcome my insecurities and shyness quicker, easier and better when I studying to become a teacher then with studying speech. I don’t know if I will be happier then, maybe it isn’t what I want. But honestly what I’m doing now is definitely not what I want.

So should I just take my 20 seconds and switch my career path or should I stay strong and finish this. Because that’s my biggest dilemma, change or hold on for a couple of years.
what would you do in my situation? I live in Belgium where I can change studies, I don’t live in America where I’ll end up with 10.000 dollars debts, so it’s not an unrealistic dilemma I’m having.

Lovies 

Dear Reader,

FROM: B
TO: MY LOVELY READERS
SUBJECT: YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID!!

Dear Reader,

You are never going to believe what I did this week! surprise, surprise… I’ve read a book. Since my social life is non-existent with my school schedule and all the after school preps for the day after, my little free time goes to reading these day (as you may noticed since this is the third book review in a row, if it’s boring just let me know and I’ll stop). I read in every sort of spare time I have. 10 min before class? Read. waiting in the elevator? Read. Breakfast? Read. I hide in the ‘tower’ at school so I can have some quiet time to read. I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE! But hey, reading is the best thing ever!

why am I writing in email form, you ask? well, that is because it is the way my latest book and today’s subject is written. This week I’ve read the book “Love, Rosie” by Cecelia Ahern. The movie adaptation has been one of my favorite movies for years! and since lately my book genre preference is noticeably changing I gave the book a go, and I absolutely LOVED it.

The whole book is writing in letter/email/postcard/chat/call form, which is a bit weird in the beginning (especially when you saw the movie), because you only know what’s been told in the letter nothing more and nothing less. But once you are adjusted to the writing style you are so absorbed in the story that you just want to keep reading and reading! The story is in big lines the same in the movie, some other chronology. But it is far more ‘real’, as far as I can relate, you know I’m not a mother at the age of 19. But it is way more realistic than the movie (logical of course). (It also a great book if you, like me, read for 5 minutes a time, because after every letter you can stop without having the problem of stopping in the middle of a paragraph)

Rosie’s life, the ups and down get revealed through the letters, which makes it more personal, in my opinion. Everybody’s life gets into the story. Not just Alex’s and Rosie’s. I think reading the book made me appreciate the movie more. The movie is of course awfully americanized, it really romanticized the ‘being a  teen mom without a diploma’ a lot. The actual story doesn’t completely revolves around the love life of Alex and Rosie. There is so much more to it. Meeting people, making friends when you have a kid while having no job nor education. The story covers the ‘whole’ life of Rosie, also with some time jumps.

I think it is an inspirational, yet funny story about a woman trying to achieve her dreams, no matter how life turns her world upside down. Always wanting the best for everybody around her, without trying to forget her own happiness. Nobody’s life is a fairy tale, everybody has obstacles. But that doesn’t mean you are defeated even though it might feel that way. Just push through and never forget your dream, even if life gets in the way. And yes, I did cry on multiple occasions.

Love,
B ❤

 

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

I can’t make friends

Hello everybody!

This week I’d like to write about yet another things I have on my mind. This is slowly becoming my personal problem forum, where I just rant about things that bother me and pretend I can give advice about it to for other people :p

(Reminder: The advice I give about things like this are just stuff that helped me personally and maybe can help others)

So I’m in college now, I go to a school where magically only 2 people I know go to. I also didn’t know anybody in my year/eductation (however you say it in english). And I’m having more trouble making friends then I expected.

I don’t know what bothers me the most:
a) Not clicking with anyone in particular
b) Seeing that others have it so easy making BFF’s on the second day
c) That I start to think I don’t need friends

I’m not saying I don’t like my class! They are amazing people and very social. But you know when you found someone who just is your friend, maybe not the first week or two. But eventually you actually see them as a friend. I don’t really have that. I have girls who I think could become my friends, but the insecure part of me convinces me that they don’t like me and that they are just being friendly.

Then second, I envy those people who were (literally) acting like BFF’s since the second day of the year. I’m not even exaggerating on this one. But than on the other hand, how can you become so close friends with someone you don’t know?
The reason (I think) why I’m having such a hard time making friends is because I had the best friends ever. Two years ago I had nobody and then I changed classes nad had so many amazing friends. So maybe that’s what makes it so hard?

But do I need new friends? I’d wanna say know, but having friends in your class, to talk to in school or lectures, it makes it easier. you know schoolfriends, people you talk to in school, but the minute you walk out and you go your seperate ways. But eventualy they can become your friends.

But I have hope! The girls I sit with now are very friendly, nice and unless I’m wrong and they actually hate me. They might become my friends. But I’m friendly to everyone in my class, I talk to everybody, I help were I can (without being used, cuz that’s not how to make friends). It’s gonna be alright, I’m gonna be fine.

Thank you for reading another episode of ‘Complaning about basis problems that aren’t even problems, I’m just a wuss.’

read y’all soon

Lovies

Sun, Work and Vacation

Hello everybody!

I know it’s been a while… about 4 months or something, no biggie :/ Exams and vacation I’ve been pretty busy. And when I was not busy I was just straight up lazy and procrastinating everything. You know, binge-watching show living life as a true no-lifer!

But seriously, it actually was pretty busy these last months. But my vacation started amazing! Since I’m going to college in 2 weeks, I needed a place to live (ON MY OWN guess who’s gonna die!) But after months of looking and visiting places. I found one! and I think it looks amazing (at least when I’m done decorating it, expect a  dormroom dedicated blogpost!) I’ve been decorating that room in my head ever since I knew I had it!

Other from that, my first 2 weeks of being graduated from high school were calm. I had time to meet up with friends. I went to a foodtruck festival HAP, that like litterally aweosme! I had nachos, vietnamese food, american burgers, so much food!!!!!  And then I had to do all the prep work for my student job that I procrastinated as well. Prepping 2 weeks of summer daycamp can be done in 1 day if you work hard :p

And then working began! I love doing summer daycamp. It’s always fun and the kids love it. And it was 35°C so watergames!!! It was awesome. Did some cheeky little triple date in the middle of the week, cuz why not! I wish I had more weeks, but like I said pretty busy vacation.

After that couple of days to rest and binge-watch Orgfan Black (awesome show btw) And prep a little bit for my citytrip to Amsterdam with my boyfriend.
Amsterdam is so beautiful! It’s so weird it was the first time visiting, knowing it’s right next to Belgium.Anyway, it was all so cute. Lot’s of cute little streets, cheese shope, weed shops.

Okay after that I actually had two full weeks to socialise and stuff, yet I didn’t. Don’t ask me why, didn’t feel like it. I enjoyed being alone, which I hadn’t been for weeks, so it was nice. Not that I didn’t meet up at all, just not every day. Plus I had to prep for a last minute summer camp (sleepover camp so more prepping) which was the best camp ever! I think the girls loved it as well, they bought us an anckle bracelet. you don’t do that if you hated it :p

I must say my planning wasn’t that great, I left for camp 14 augustus, which was our 6 months anniversary, my boyfriend wasn’t too happy about that, I must say. And to make it a little harder, he got to see me a few hours before I left for Valencia… Like I said great planning went into that. But Valencia was worth it. with my  friends in the sea, sunbathing, walking in the old town. beautiful.

And then last week, after Valencia. I took the opportunity to be very social, like going out every day. Something my mom didn’t like and neither did my wallet :p

Next week we’re decorating my dormroom and buying my way too expensive books (And I really should not complain because College and Uni in Belguim is one of the cheapest). And then I’m starting my first year Speech Therapy and I’m freaking scared!!

kot 1

So yeah, this was a long post… told you it was a bussy summer! And i’m still forgetting thing… anyway… thanks for reading, see ya soon!

Lovies

 

Overload!!

Hello everybody!

To be honest, I was about to skip a week again. But here I am! The last weeks I have been stressing out about everything on the inside, while trying to maintain my cool, relax self on the outside. Let’s just say I haven’t really been enjoying the summer holiday so far, except, of course some days that I met with friends.

I have been going in overdrive the last week. I’ve agreed to more things then I can mentally handle and it is kinda ruining my vacation. Well I don’t know if it’s gonna ruin my vacation actually, because the overload of activities has yet to start.

The first 2 weeks of vacation have passed and tomorrow I start a week of children camp. Which is very exciting on one hand, but it is the first time and I cannot handle the pressure I put on myself. It is also entirely my own fault, because I am practically a professional procrastinator. I made my games this week and even changed a game just today, that is planned for tomorrow. I don’t know the people I have to work with and I don’t really know if I did what was expected from me. Get were the stress is coming from?

After, hopefully, a fun and exhausting week of playing with a lot of children, we go off to London! which is so exciting! I’ve wanted to go to London for so long and it is finally here!!! But because we leave monday morning, my mom wants me to get everything ready now, because I have to work next week. So totally unnecessary stress as well. But still LONDON WHOA!

We come back from London on Saturday afternoon and on monday I start another week of children camp. Which I still have to prepare my games for… When will I do that? I have no freaking clue!

And because that isn’t already exhausting enough, I agreed to go work at my mom’s office again for 2 weeks. So that are 5 super exhausting weeks all in a row! All because I am an awful planner.

And to finish my vacation, I have 1 week to plan my 18th birthday party with one of my closest friends. Just because we didn’t want to celebrate our birthday in autumn (when it is actually our birthday) but in summer. So ‘NovemberFest in August’ has to be planned as well. And then there is 1 week left for me to do whatever I want.

Also did I mention that I have to read 3 books for school by the end of summer? And no fantasy books, but research books….

YAY SUMMER! I swear next summer I am not working at all! It is just gonna be me and all the thing I want t o do with absolutely no stress, except for the fact that I start college then.

So here is what I have ahead of me the next weeks, so if I do not post every week, it is probably because I’ll be asleep the moment I get home.

if you liked it, please give it a like! Maybe follow me if you want to know what I will be doing in London!

Lovies