I’m a hypocrite

Hello everybody!

As you may see from the title this is going to be about a personal conflict that I recently discovered. I recently started watching Valeria Lipovetsky on YouTube. She is a 26-year-old model and mom, and on such a short time she made me realize that I’m being a hypocrite to myself. I want to change that fact!

even though I’ve been bullied in high school, I’ve never cried as much in a year as I have now. In fact I can count the times I’ve cried over bullying on one hand, because I know this was going to end. When high school is over, I will never have to see those people again and everything is going to be glorious. I calmed myself with the though that maybe high school wasn’t my time. But college will be.

I have never been so wrong in my entire 20 year-long life. My anxiety spike, panic is almost a constant factor in my life. I constantly feel as if I forgot half of the stuff I had to do. I do not feel happy. I am working for school all the time, I have seen my friends (what’s left of them anyway) 1 time this semester, I’ve been out 3 time. 2 of which were only till 12 o’clock or earlier, because I had school. I don’t think my studies are particularly had, but it’s all I can think about. when I don’t the panic is there within 5 minutes. I don’t know if this is what I want, actually I know this isn’t what I want.

Recently I learned that to build healthy relationship, friendship or romantic, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Because you cannot put that burden on somebody else. Thank you, Valeria, you are absolutely right. And the only times I am enjoying myself is with my friends and boyfriend. But that shouldn’t be the case, i should be happy when I’m on my own as well. I should love what I’m doing, instead of panicking and crying in my dorm.

I’ve always wanted to become a teacher, for as long as I can remember, so why shouldn’t I quit speech therapy and you do what I’ve always wanted to do? see the hypocrisy, as you may or may not know my favorite quote is:

sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

which my blog name also refers to. And I try to life by it as much as I can. So why don’t I just do it now, take my 20 seconds and change studies to do something I’ve always wanted to do? because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough? Because I lack the confidence? Because I don’t want to let people down? All of these are true thoughts I have

I can be a good speech therapist, but I could be a great teacher. Maybe I overcome my insecurities and shyness quicker, easier and better when I studying to become a teacher then with studying speech. I don’t know if I will be happier then, maybe it isn’t what I want. But honestly what I’m doing now is definitely not what I want.

So should I just take my 20 seconds and switch my career path or should I stay strong and finish this. Because that’s my biggest dilemma, change or hold on for a couple of years.
what would you do in my situation? I live in Belgium where I can change studies, I don’t live in America where I’ll end up with 10.000 dollars debts, so it’s not an unrealistic dilemma I’m having.

Lovies 

Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

Dear Reader,

FROM: B
TO: MY LOVELY READERS
SUBJECT: YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID!!

Dear Reader,

You are never going to believe what I did this week! surprise, surprise… I’ve read a book. Since my social life is non-existent with my school schedule and all the after school preps for the day after, my little free time goes to reading these day (as you may noticed since this is the third book review in a row, if it’s boring just let me know and I’ll stop). I read in every sort of spare time I have. 10 min before class? Read. waiting in the elevator? Read. Breakfast? Read. I hide in the ‘tower’ at school so I can have some quiet time to read. I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE! But hey, reading is the best thing ever!

why am I writing in email form, you ask? well, that is because it is the way my latest book and today’s subject is written. This week I’ve read the book “Love, Rosie” by Cecelia Ahern. The movie adaptation has been one of my favorite movies for years! and since lately my book genre preference is noticeably changing I gave the book a go, and I absolutely LOVED it.

The whole book is writing in letter/email/postcard/chat/call form, which is a bit weird in the beginning (especially when you saw the movie), because you only know what’s been told in the letter nothing more and nothing less. But once you are adjusted to the writing style you are so absorbed in the story that you just want to keep reading and reading! The story is in big lines the same in the movie, some other chronology. But it is far more ‘real’, as far as I can relate, you know I’m not a mother at the age of 19. But it is way more realistic than the movie (logical of course). (It also a great book if you, like me, read for 5 minutes a time, because after every letter you can stop without having the problem of stopping in the middle of a paragraph)

Rosie’s life, the ups and down get revealed through the letters, which makes it more personal, in my opinion. Everybody’s life gets into the story. Not just Alex’s and Rosie’s. I think reading the book made me appreciate the movie more. The movie is of course awfully americanized, it really romanticized the ‘being a  teen mom without a diploma’ a lot. The actual story doesn’t completely revolves around the love life of Alex and Rosie. There is so much more to it. Meeting people, making friends when you have a kid while having no job nor education. The story covers the ‘whole’ life of Rosie, also with some time jumps.

I think it is an inspirational, yet funny story about a woman trying to achieve her dreams, no matter how life turns her world upside down. Always wanting the best for everybody around her, without trying to forget her own happiness. Nobody’s life is a fairy tale, everybody has obstacles. But that doesn’t mean you are defeated even though it might feel that way. Just push through and never forget your dream, even if life gets in the way. And yes, I did cry on multiple occasions.

Love,
B ❤

 

Some Nerve and a little bit Charisma

Hi booklover!

This one is for you guys!! Since I made the switch from paper to digital I have more opportunities to read, which is very awesome! I’ve set myself a reasonable Reading Challenge on Goodreads in Januari and I’m back on track!

You may or may not have guessed which books I’m going to review today. But two of my recent readings were Nerve and Charisma by Jeanne Ryan. You may know Nerve from the movie adaptation with Emma Roberts and Dave Franco. Well, there was indeed a novel first!

nerve

NERVE
To survive this game, choosing DARE is your only option…

Let me start by saying that if you’ve watched the movie and (like me) do not like book after movie, but feel stupid because you didn’t know there was a book, GOOD NEWS. The book is NOTHING like the movie. honestly I don’t think the producers even read it.

The story is about a girl, Vee, who is a shy ‘behind – the – scenes’ kind of girl. And like any teenage gal she has a best friend and of course a hubba hubba crush. While they are performing there schoolplay, there are prelimination for this super exciting and mega popular game called NERVE.

Things get a little out of hand at the schoolplay, and in a rage Vee sign up for her first DARE. She get selected and chosen for the live rounds where she can win amazing prizes. And to top that all, she gets partnered with Ian…

But how far will you go to get what you want?

Althought it is COMPLETELY different than the movie (which is one of my faves) I really liked it! It was exciting to read without needing constant action prompts. There is like this ‘suggestion’ build up to every dare. You read the reaction of the characters and your mind immediatly goes to ‘what will they have to do now?’ ‘How will they do it?’.

It has this psychological part in it, which makes you think what you would do if you were Vee. It also has enough action and detail. Unlike the movie there is a lot of background in this story, which really puts the story in a different perspective. The fact that you discover new pieces of those background ’till the very last chapter makes the character more interesting.

Also I really like Jeanne Ryans writing style, it’s easy to read, yet diverse. I can’t really discribe it, I’m not an expert. You could just keep reading, no complicated sentences or chapters that take a century to get through.

I just really really liked it!

This was part one of the Jeanne Ryan reviews, next time I will review Charmisa.

Hope you like it! I’m not a pro in writing review, just sharing some of my books :p

read y’all later

Lovies

 

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

Unnoticeable

I – am- unnoticeable. And sadly this isn’t something I made up in my head. This is something a person from my class actually used to discribe me. UNNOTICEABLE. To be honest, that stung. A lot. It hit me like a truck and hurts like hell, because that is the last feature I’d use to discribe myself. 

It is no secret I don’t particularly click with the girls in my class. I don’t feel comfortable around them, they don’t bother to even try, to reach out and get to know me. I don’t fit in. But worst of all I feel like I can’t be myself in that class. Everytime I try,I get laughed at, which doesn’t encourage to open yourself up again. It is a very shitty feeling. especially when for the last 2 years you had the change to be your loud, annoyingly enthousiastic self.

And then ofcourse there comes the part where you overthink and make it worse in my head. unnoticeable… does she meant boring, but thought that was to rude? with my very logical train of thoughts, it went more along the line of boring, not worth to put your energy in. I admit she isn’t my type of person, I would want to hang out with outside school either, but still.

I might not like the same thing like them? My definition of fun might not be partying with people I barely know and drinking all night long. I like watching movies, listening to music, reading and talking to people. I rather have dormparties, with a couple friends drinking a bit, talking a lot and having fun. But does that make me boring or unnoticeable? Just because I don’t feel comfortable doing those things with them? Because in that case, I love being boring.

Don’t get me wrong, not all 26 of them are like that. I do have a couple girls I spend lunchperiods and we’re getting along more and more. Also my boyfriend transferred from psychology to speech therapy, so now he does the same thing like me. And that does help me to be more myself and open up with other people too. I know what you might think, that girls who clinges around her boyfriend all the time, how annoying! I admit it is dangerous seeing each other that much, almost depending on each other to be there (he doens’t click with his class either). But for now that system works great. And maybe someday I can be the exclamation point I reallly am.

Sorry for the boring life problems, but I might help other, who know. It is not easy for everybody to connect to other people and fit in without changing who you are.It took me a while to post this one, I wrote it over 2 months ago when I just recieved the label unnoticeable. And I didn’t know if I should post it or not, but here is it anayway. Why have a blog to share your story if you don’t share it.

Thanks for reading, read y’all soon!

Lovies

This the season to be jolly…

Hello everybodyyy!! (sorry for the lay-out, I cant seem to fix it :/ )
Never in my life have I felt less christmassy than this year! It sucked cause I absolutely loooove Christmas spirit! I had all my stuff ready to make a christmas haul, because for some reason I had a lot of stuff. Didn’t impove the feeling though. Anyway I had all these blog ideas but literally no time.
Since this year Winterbreak turned into study season. I think I studied more in 2 weeks than I did all 7 years of high school combined. And still I’m going to fail hard. Even with my highly orginazed planning (yes, I’m one of those people, and yes I stick to it. Even worse, I’m a day ahead, you can imagine the hate of others when you tell them that :p ). So my planning AND watching Grey’s anatomy, I still don’t get it. And I have 3 subjects of anatomie, so please kill me now!
I do am proud of myself a little, because I do study as much as I can fysically handle (which is going to bed at 10pm, or I can’t function at all in the morning), and my breaks are not binge watching series, like I normally would. It was like an early new years resolution, being productive on breaks. So that means reading… the high quality literature of wattpad fanfiction, if you like Harry Potter fanfics look up kmbell92. Also I started knitting again, still nog any further than last year… just knitting patches, I can make a blanket with is, someday when I have 1000 patches. And writing as uch as I can with the limited creativity I have, during these boring times.
But studying during christmas and new year sucks really hard. Seeing my cousins get drunk, even my mum doing a shot, and you just sit there. Nah, I have to study tomorrow. And I’m saving my day for New Year (which was a good choice btw). But christmas was very fun, I got my uncle and I got each other for secret Santa and we got each other Harry Potter gifts. There was a lot of martini bellini, and it was fun seeing everybody again. But god, I can’t wait until all those children are a bit older, it’s a miracle I’m not deaf!
Then after a week of hard work, studying and liters coffee, IT WAS NEW YEAR! We all really looked forward to it. This was the second year we did this, and just like then we made food (this year was macaroni) had some drinks (waaaay less than last year, cuz studying). It was the best time of the holidays. Also did a secret santa And I got awsome gifts!Around 11pm, the boyz came (the boyfriends and their friends) wished happy newyear and left to the pub :p I was freezing my toes off!!

In my opinion studying during holiday season should be illegal, how can I znjoy my Harry Potter gifts when I have to learn. And now the holidays are almost over and I getting panicked about exams starting Monday, just hoping I won’t cry in the middle of my exam… at least wainting til I get home for that

Anyways read y’all later if my parents didn’t kill me because I failed everything! Lovies<3

Need Coffee to Adult

Hello everybody!

I don’t really know where this post is going today, but i felt like writing. So here I am writing whatever will come up to me!

With all this college stuff being I don’t really have a hobby anymore. I haven’t had a hobby for a couple years. But now it’s noticable I don’t have any. Last year I got together with friends alot. But now I’m just learning, sitting and staring at a wall until I find something to do. With that in mind I want to start wrinting again! It’s been ages since I written something besides my blog (which I love doing, but it’s not as regular as I would like). I want to continue writing my story on Wattpad ‘The Forgotten Tales‘ (very shameless self-promoting I’m sorry, but maybe views will encourage me to write?)

Something else happened that was very exciting! GILMORE GIRLS IS BACK Y’ALL! I’ve been waiting for this since I know there was going to be a sequel. I just wanted to cry all 4 episodes long. I love how it starts in Winter, “I smell snow”. And it was so beautiful and all the memories. I remember watching it with my mom when I was little, not understanding a word of it. Because english isn’t my native language and I couldn’t read then. But I remember watching it everytime it was on tv. It’s a little bit like Friends, it’s ALWAYS somewhere airing. And 2 or 3 years ago I wanted to see the show in chronological order for once so I did. And I fell in love.

It did made me realise why I love the gazebo in the park near my dorm so much. Somehow it must have reminded me of the gazebo in the show. It was my favorite place in the whole show. It’s not as pretty as in Gilmore Girls, but I love it :p

Futhermore (fancy words) I don’t have anything, except the fact that I just wacht 1 movie 6 times a day. It works motivating, and time seens to go faster. It’s like playing music while studying, I put on Nerve on repeat for the whole day. Like a toddler, I still enjoy the movie.

I do have the mind of a toddler though. I like very childish things. Socks with cute prints. kids shows and movies, even kids music. It’s just all so happy, teen music or adult music ain’t even close to happy. I prefer happy 😀 The only thing I do like an adult is drink coffee! And like an Honorary Gilmore Girl would say “Do you like coffee? Only with my oxygen!”

So that was it, a totally inprovised post, about nothing exciting really; I don’t know if it’s pathetic the most memorable thing of the last week is the premier of Gilmore Girls. Well, better luck next time!

Read you soon-ish

Lovies

I can’t make friends

Hello everybody!

This week I’d like to write about yet another things I have on my mind. This is slowly becoming my personal problem forum, where I just rant about things that bother me and pretend I can give advice about it to for other people :p

(Reminder: The advice I give about things like this are just stuff that helped me personally and maybe can help others)

So I’m in college now, I go to a school where magically only 2 people I know go to. I also didn’t know anybody in my year/eductation (however you say it in english). And I’m having more trouble making friends then I expected.

I don’t know what bothers me the most:
a) Not clicking with anyone in particular
b) Seeing that others have it so easy making BFF’s on the second day
c) That I start to think I don’t need friends

I’m not saying I don’t like my class! They are amazing people and very social. But you know when you found someone who just is your friend, maybe not the first week or two. But eventually you actually see them as a friend. I don’t really have that. I have girls who I think could become my friends, but the insecure part of me convinces me that they don’t like me and that they are just being friendly.

Then second, I envy those people who were (literally) acting like BFF’s since the second day of the year. I’m not even exaggerating on this one. But than on the other hand, how can you become so close friends with someone you don’t know?
The reason (I think) why I’m having such a hard time making friends is because I had the best friends ever. Two years ago I had nobody and then I changed classes nad had so many amazing friends. So maybe that’s what makes it so hard?

But do I need new friends? I’d wanna say know, but having friends in your class, to talk to in school or lectures, it makes it easier. you know schoolfriends, people you talk to in school, but the minute you walk out and you go your seperate ways. But eventualy they can become your friends.

But I have hope! The girls I sit with now are very friendly, nice and unless I’m wrong and they actually hate me. They might become my friends. But I’m friendly to everyone in my class, I talk to everybody, I help were I can (without being used, cuz that’s not how to make friends). It’s gonna be alright, I’m gonna be fine.

Thank you for reading another episode of ‘Complaning about basis problems that aren’t even problems, I’m just a wuss.’

read y’all soon

Lovies

The College Prude

Hello everybody!

I’m late again, but this time I do have a valid excuse! The internet in my dorm sucks, which makes daily tasks and habbits impossible and sometimes a living hell. I can’t see my online schoolnetwork, which has all my tasks and courses. It is incredably frustrating to have no internet when you’re so used to it.

But that is not the topic of this weeks post. Like my title predicts it’s about college and being prude. I wanted to make this post, because I feel like this is something you don’t see or hear often on media. Or at least I didn’t.

Being in college of uni is a big change and everybody has expectation about how it is going to be when you finally get there. You saw movies, read book, all romatisizing college life. You start dreaming and fantasizing about parties and how you will meet the love of your life in classes. And you really look forward to it!

Well that wasn’t the case for me. I been worrying and panicking about college since I was 16. Not in a good way, but in a way that gave me anxiety attacks. I am not this outgoing partygirl. I feel incredably uncomfortable at parties, even small ones in my hometown. I’d rather go to a cozy pub and have a drink with my friends and talk, then going to an overcrowded sweaty space where drunken people jump up and down. (not a problem with people who do like that, everybody is different).

Lately my group of friends has shifted from pubs to clubs. And I kind of felt the social pressure of going and liking it. And I tried to enjoy it, I really tried. I felt like a prude, like I didn’t belong here. And I ended up liking them for a whole other reason. I started drinking… a lot. it was the only way I felt comfortable there. And for some time I didn’t even notice how f*cked up that was. Until someone pointed it out to me, and I did realise drinking isn’t going to make anything better and that this ‘college life’ isn’t only this.

Like I said everybody is different and has different interests. If you don’t like parties, don’t go to them. Don’t feel pressured. Do what you like and don’t feel weird about not doing what other people do. Be yourself and do what makes you feel happy, that is college life. Doing what you love, exploring what you do or don’t like. And have fun, whatever you choose to do!

I don’t know if any of you feels or ever felt like this. But I did and writing about it helps me and maybe even others.

read you soon!

Lovies