I’m a hypocrite

Hello everybody!

As you may see from the title this is going to be about a personal conflict that I recently discovered. I recently started watching Valeria Lipovetsky on YouTube. She is a 26-year-old model and mom, and on such a short time she made me realize that I’m being a hypocrite to myself. I want to change that fact!

even though I’ve been bullied in high school, I’ve never cried as much in a year as I have now. In fact I can count the times I’ve cried over bullying on one hand, because I know this was going to end. When high school is over, I will never have to see those people again and everything is going to be glorious. I calmed myself with the though that maybe high school wasn’t my time. But college will be.

I have never been so wrong in my entire 20 year-long life. My anxiety spike, panic is almost a constant factor in my life. I constantly feel as if I forgot half of the stuff I had to do. I do not feel happy. I am working for school all the time, I have seen my friends (what’s left of them anyway) 1 time this semester, I’ve been out 3 time. 2 of which were only till 12 o’clock or earlier, because I had school. I don’t think my studies are particularly had, but it’s all I can think about. when I don’t the panic is there within 5 minutes. I don’t know if this is what I want, actually I know this isn’t what I want.

Recently I learned that to build healthy relationship, friendship or romantic, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Because you cannot put that burden on somebody else. Thank you, Valeria, you are absolutely right. And the only times I am enjoying myself is with my friends and boyfriend. But that shouldn’t be the case, i should be happy when I’m on my own as well. I should love what I’m doing, instead of panicking and crying in my dorm.

I’ve always wanted to become a teacher, for as long as I can remember, so why shouldn’t I quit speech therapy and you do what I’ve always wanted to do? see the hypocrisy, as you may or may not know my favorite quote is:

sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

which my blog name also refers to. And I try to life by it as much as I can. So why don’t I just do it now, take my 20 seconds and change studies to do something I’ve always wanted to do? because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough? Because I lack the confidence? Because I don’t want to let people down? All of these are true thoughts I have

I can be a good speech therapist, but I could be a great teacher. Maybe I overcome my insecurities and shyness quicker, easier and better when I studying to become a teacher then with studying speech. I don’t know if I will be happier then, maybe it isn’t what I want. But honestly what I’m doing now is definitely not what I want.

So should I just take my 20 seconds and switch my career path or should I stay strong and finish this. Because that’s my biggest dilemma, change or hold on for a couple of years.
what would you do in my situation? I live in Belgium where I can change studies, I don’t live in America where I’ll end up with 10.000 dollars debts, so it’s not an unrealistic dilemma I’m having.

Lovies 

Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

Need Coffee to Adult

Hello everybody!

I don’t really know where this post is going today, but i felt like writing. So here I am writing whatever will come up to me!

With all this college stuff being I don’t really have a hobby anymore. I haven’t had a hobby for a couple years. But now it’s noticable I don’t have any. Last year I got together with friends alot. But now I’m just learning, sitting and staring at a wall until I find something to do. With that in mind I want to start wrinting again! It’s been ages since I written something besides my blog (which I love doing, but it’s not as regular as I would like). I want to continue writing my story on Wattpad ‘The Forgotten Tales‘ (very shameless self-promoting I’m sorry, but maybe views will encourage me to write?)

Something else happened that was very exciting! GILMORE GIRLS IS BACK Y’ALL! I’ve been waiting for this since I know there was going to be a sequel. I just wanted to cry all 4 episodes long. I love how it starts in Winter, “I smell snow”. And it was so beautiful and all the memories. I remember watching it with my mom when I was little, not understanding a word of it. Because english isn’t my native language and I couldn’t read then. But I remember watching it everytime it was on tv. It’s a little bit like Friends, it’s ALWAYS somewhere airing. And 2 or 3 years ago I wanted to see the show in chronological order for once so I did. And I fell in love.

It did made me realise why I love the gazebo in the park near my dorm so much. Somehow it must have reminded me of the gazebo in the show. It was my favorite place in the whole show. It’s not as pretty as in Gilmore Girls, but I love it :p

Futhermore (fancy words) I don’t have anything, except the fact that I just wacht 1 movie 6 times a day. It works motivating, and time seens to go faster. It’s like playing music while studying, I put on Nerve on repeat for the whole day. Like a toddler, I still enjoy the movie.

I do have the mind of a toddler though. I like very childish things. Socks with cute prints. kids shows and movies, even kids music. It’s just all so happy, teen music or adult music ain’t even close to happy. I prefer happy 😀 The only thing I do like an adult is drink coffee! And like an Honorary Gilmore Girl would say “Do you like coffee? Only with my oxygen!”

So that was it, a totally inprovised post, about nothing exciting really; I don’t know if it’s pathetic the most memorable thing of the last week is the premier of Gilmore Girls. Well, better luck next time!

Read you soon-ish

Lovies

The College Prude

Hello everybody!

I’m late again, but this time I do have a valid excuse! The internet in my dorm sucks, which makes daily tasks and habbits impossible and sometimes a living hell. I can’t see my online schoolnetwork, which has all my tasks and courses. It is incredably frustrating to have no internet when you’re so used to it.

But that is not the topic of this weeks post. Like my title predicts it’s about college and being prude. I wanted to make this post, because I feel like this is something you don’t see or hear often on media. Or at least I didn’t.

Being in college of uni is a big change and everybody has expectation about how it is going to be when you finally get there. You saw movies, read book, all romatisizing college life. You start dreaming and fantasizing about parties and how you will meet the love of your life in classes. And you really look forward to it!

Well that wasn’t the case for me. I been worrying and panicking about college since I was 16. Not in a good way, but in a way that gave me anxiety attacks. I am not this outgoing partygirl. I feel incredably uncomfortable at parties, even small ones in my hometown. I’d rather go to a cozy pub and have a drink with my friends and talk, then going to an overcrowded sweaty space where drunken people jump up and down. (not a problem with people who do like that, everybody is different).

Lately my group of friends has shifted from pubs to clubs. And I kind of felt the social pressure of going and liking it. And I tried to enjoy it, I really tried. I felt like a prude, like I didn’t belong here. And I ended up liking them for a whole other reason. I started drinking… a lot. it was the only way I felt comfortable there. And for some time I didn’t even notice how f*cked up that was. Until someone pointed it out to me, and I did realise drinking isn’t going to make anything better and that this ‘college life’ isn’t only this.

Like I said everybody is different and has different interests. If you don’t like parties, don’t go to them. Don’t feel pressured. Do what you like and don’t feel weird about not doing what other people do. Be yourself and do what makes you feel happy, that is college life. Doing what you love, exploring what you do or don’t like. And have fun, whatever you choose to do!

I don’t know if any of you feels or ever felt like this. But I did and writing about it helps me and maybe even others.

read you soon!

Lovies

Mini Dorm Tour

Hello everybody!!

It’s been a while again :/ but finally I made my Dorm Tour, very amateuristic with pictures taken with my phone… kinda temporarly unable to locate my camera at the present time. So sorry in advance for the aweful quality of my pictures, I will update my dorm tour someday when it is completly how I want it to be 😀

So here we go!

This is the place I like the most at the moment! little cactusses, that was the first thing I bought actually :p and then ofcourse, a planner! ‘cuz ESSENTIALS. My planner was personally custom made at personal-planner.com for 30 euros (might seem a lot but it’s like a cheaper somewhat less fancy version of a Lauren Condren planner which is $40 only delivery costs. SO…)

and because of my general obsession with notebooks I have several notebooks for different uses, the flamengo one on the pictures is my ‘what do I need from home’-checklist.

But my absoluut favorite is my Photowall, makes the whole room a bit more ‘home-like’. pictures of my family, my friends my vacations of this summer, and of course some of my favorite quotes and rolemodels.

The bedside is sort of empty, I need more pillows!!! but I have fairylights which are a must in a dormroom, makes every evening cozier! And what is better and a cozy night, favorite movie and some chips? all that PLUS ultra soft and fluffy panda socks from Primark!

The kitchen is a little small, but I manage :p looks super messy, litterally every space I have is taken my stuff like my oven and cooking plates, but it’s quite alright. I don’t have to share it with tons of people. So that’s handy also have my own bathroom with is seriously heaven!

And on top of the soon to be super cozy dorm room… Ghent is a very pretty city!!

14800854_1125252127556233_252442588_n

And for the people who don’t know this, Belgium isn’t a big country at all, so even to I live in a dorm in the week we all go home on the weekends. technically it isn’t so nessecary to have a dorm, but it sures makes it a hell of a lot easier! big difference between a 15 minute walk to campus than 30minute walk + 15 minute busride + 1 hour trainride and 20 minute walk to campus :p

Hope you all like this, see y’all soon

Lovies

 

So…college…

Hi everyone!

Still nailing the weeky updates (it’s a record I think!). So september is ending and normally there are some upcoming posts in the making! Get excited peeps!

My first week in college has ended and like my previous post said, I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to meet new people, to make new friends, to have a student life. The social anxiety level of this week was too much for me to handle. The school stuff was no problem, classes went fine, teachers are great, campus almost figured out.

But the social side of all this, it’s difficult. In my class, in my dorm, in this city,  I have this feeling I don’t belong. I am relatively social person, if I click with someone at least. I don’t haven’t that with anyone (yet). And it’s hard, being alone in my room, nothing to do. My friends are in class or home. I don’t like being alone, or feeling alone (which is even worse). Luckily I still have some old friends, who already know the real me. So I can be myself at least a couple times.

Yesterday I went to a party organised by an organisation of 2 friends of mine. And I just broke. Seeing everybody, I missed them all so much. I stood there hugging and crying for 10 minutes with my friend. I practically cried all night. My best friend and I got thorugh our problems. It was emotionally too much. I am not ready. I don’t want new friends. And even if I make new friends they will never be like them!

I hope I will feel beter soon. cuz honestly this feeling sucks. But I’m gonna try the student life, you know partying and stuff. (which isn’t at all my interpretation of having fun, but I’ll try). There are a lot of events this week for students, so let’s see where that brings me!

See y’all later

Lovies

I’m not ready for this

Hello everybody!!

We’re back to somewhat weekly updates!! *yeeey* *screams in excitement* So what have I done this week? let’s do a recap!

Let’s see… Monday I had my first sort of class. It was a prep cours, revising  spelling. Which seemed useful considering I’m going to study speech therapy. Buuuuuuut it wasn’t. My spelling isn’t great, but I’m not supid.

Tuesday was binge-watch day, and gurls night (so actually, doing nothing, not showering and drinking).

And then the fun part of the week started! *YAY*So wednesday I celebrated our 7 month anneversary, because we didn’t get to celebrate our 6month. We went to Ghent, where we are going to live the next couple of years (not together).

Then thursday we went to the sea for our ‘Awesome HSM party @ the beach’ (named it myself *proud*) It was amazing! way to much alcohol, but the most fun I had in a long time! we ate french fries, tried new vodka, opened a large bottle of beer with a fork. and had best spin the wheel game ever!

And of course, fun doens’t last forever 😦 Saturday was whopping day, food and last minute stuff I needed to survive in my dorm. But it got better, my boyfriend showed up, always makes my day 10000 times better!

And then came Sunday, the day I tried to ignore. I had to pack all my last things and move to Ghent (which is still close to home, but still surviving on my own… tricky) But I have my coffee and food for at least 3 days… so I guess I get through?

Just gotta get through the fist couple of week and I’ll be used to it? Right? I really hope so!!

Update and room tour is coming soon!!! Bye!!

Lovies

 

Sun, Work and Vacation

Hello everybody!

I know it’s been a while… about 4 months or something, no biggie :/ Exams and vacation I’ve been pretty busy. And when I was not busy I was just straight up lazy and procrastinating everything. You know, binge-watching show living life as a true no-lifer!

But seriously, it actually was pretty busy these last months. But my vacation started amazing! Since I’m going to college in 2 weeks, I needed a place to live (ON MY OWN guess who’s gonna die!) But after months of looking and visiting places. I found one! and I think it looks amazing (at least when I’m done decorating it, expect a  dormroom dedicated blogpost!) I’ve been decorating that room in my head ever since I knew I had it!

Other from that, my first 2 weeks of being graduated from high school were calm. I had time to meet up with friends. I went to a foodtruck festival HAP, that like litterally aweosme! I had nachos, vietnamese food, american burgers, so much food!!!!!  And then I had to do all the prep work for my student job that I procrastinated as well. Prepping 2 weeks of summer daycamp can be done in 1 day if you work hard :p

And then working began! I love doing summer daycamp. It’s always fun and the kids love it. And it was 35°C so watergames!!! It was awesome. Did some cheeky little triple date in the middle of the week, cuz why not! I wish I had more weeks, but like I said pretty busy vacation.

After that couple of days to rest and binge-watch Orgfan Black (awesome show btw) And prep a little bit for my citytrip to Amsterdam with my boyfriend.
Amsterdam is so beautiful! It’s so weird it was the first time visiting, knowing it’s right next to Belgium.Anyway, it was all so cute. Lot’s of cute little streets, cheese shope, weed shops.

Okay after that I actually had two full weeks to socialise and stuff, yet I didn’t. Don’t ask me why, didn’t feel like it. I enjoyed being alone, which I hadn’t been for weeks, so it was nice. Not that I didn’t meet up at all, just not every day. Plus I had to prep for a last minute summer camp (sleepover camp so more prepping) which was the best camp ever! I think the girls loved it as well, they bought us an anckle bracelet. you don’t do that if you hated it :p

I must say my planning wasn’t that great, I left for camp 14 augustus, which was our 6 months anniversary, my boyfriend wasn’t too happy about that, I must say. And to make it a little harder, he got to see me a few hours before I left for Valencia… Like I said great planning went into that. But Valencia was worth it. with my  friends in the sea, sunbathing, walking in the old town. beautiful.

And then last week, after Valencia. I took the opportunity to be very social, like going out every day. Something my mom didn’t like and neither did my wallet :p

Next week we’re decorating my dormroom and buying my way too expensive books (And I really should not complain because College and Uni in Belguim is one of the cheapest). And then I’m starting my first year Speech Therapy and I’m freaking scared!!

kot 1

So yeah, this was a long post… told you it was a bussy summer! And i’m still forgetting thing… anyway… thanks for reading, see ya soon!

Lovies

 

Crazy Vacation :o

Hello everyone!

So last week and a half we had vacation, which is always more than welcome :p It was a very busy vacation! like crazy busy, but probably the best vacation ever!

Let’s see how it started

So saturday I coloured my hair red, but I mentioned that already :p On sunday I attemped to do my homework, because that’s how we all are in the beginning of the vacation… and eventually just procrastinate everything.

On mondag I had open classes at university (that are lessons at uni of college that are open for high school students to attent, so we get an idea of the teaching style and if we like that course), but I was afraid to go alone so I asked someone with me. (which was a great idea, you’ll see why…)

Tuesday I went to a soccer game with one of my friends. Anderlecht vs Arsenal. Anderlecht won!!!! YEAY!!

12596272_959785437436237_631231079_n

Wednesday was another procastinating day, so many thing I postponed… managing social contacts is also very important!!!

Wednesday evening was very interesting. We had another Open class again, but it was quite early so we stayed at my friends place in Ghent. (almost 2hours more sleep). So wednesday evening, trainrides can be really fun with awesome company :p We ordered pizza and of course it was nessecary to show all the embarrasing pictures of my awkward years… *cringing so hard*

Thursday morning, open class, which was so interesting, I think I know what I wanna studie next year 😀 After that we met up with Mah Main Gurl who was also in Ghent for an open class that afternoon. And we ate pizza, again (don’t see me complaining). We didn’t really feel like going home yet, so we decided to go on our 3 date and go to the movies, cuz lucky for us Deadpool just came out! (super amazing giga-awesome movie, if you haven’t seen it, YOU SEE IT!).

When we did get home, I practically went straight to Mah Main Gurl, cuz we had a ‘Holiday Meeting’ sort of planning our vacation with our friends! whooohoooow but I was so tired, (because of the sleep I didn’t have the night before) I fell asleep on her couch! :p

Friday sucked, I was so sick, I kept vomitting… IEUW!!! so yeah obviously I couldn’t do any homework then either….SOOOO postponed….

Saterday was kidscarnaval, which my dad helps organising, 2 friends and I went to help with the entries for the costume competition. It was really fun! Next year again! But again time managing not our greatest talent. So straight from kids carnaval to another friends house, for Awesome Sleepover Party with pizza… yeah again… played some drinking games and got a valentine’s day text. Yes I had a Valentine for the first time in my life :p

12735631_959785254102922_1515698980_n

Then 14th of Februari…THE DAY, it was K3 concert (Its for kids, but its my childhood and my last chance to see them before they quit, I going to 2 more concerts of them tho :p) It was awesome, I was already so happy, didn’t think the night could become even better…. BUT… after that I went to carnaval, which was amazing cuz, yeah it was valentine’s day, I had a valentine and after a bit… I had a boyfriend, yes for the first time in my life (sorta…) So yeah the night did get better ❤

No pics of carnaval..sorry…I had a zebra onesie on…nothing special like last year :p

Monday and tuesday, normally back to school, but in our city it was carnaval so our city is just shut down for 3 days… so yeah carnaval… drank a little too much in the beginning. PRO TIP:  never drink if you haven’t eaten before… not a good idea… believe me
My carnaval this year was mostly being with my boyfriend :p

Tuesday noon, luckily no hang-over, cuz yes I had  yet to do ALL my homework… that was the moment I realised I had been stupid, and postponing was the worst thing to do… cuz no one is in a decent state after carnaval… well yeah… beter luck next year? Although I think nothing can top this one :p

this turned out so much longer than intended…told you it was a crazy week!! see you in 2 weeks!

Lovies