Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

You Should Know

Hello everybody!

Today I’d like to talk about something more serious and it’s not about feminism this time. This is about something a lot of people, mostly girls, have experienced or will experience in their live… Anxiety and anxiety attacks. I am no expert in this, I’ve read quite some articles about this to understand it better. 

Like everybody else, I feel anxious from time to time. Before an exam, a job interview, going to college, moving out. But sometimes there are situations where the level of stress is higher and more overwhelming. It can be a panic attack (very intense) or an anxiety attack (same symptoms, but less intense). And that last happened to me a few times, one of them last night.

This week we have project week at school, it’s a week full of excursions with one theme. Today we had a biking trip, and I have been worrying about it ever since I’ve known about it. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, right. But last year I had to go to school by bike (something I didn’t feel confident about), but I didn’t really had much of a choice. Everything went good the first week, but then I had an accident. I was hit by a car, nothing to severe, but I broke my wrist and had a massive panic attack. Ever since that, I hadn’t even touched my bike again. I even got more panicky in the car (and I’m not even driving).

Last night I kept going over the route in my head, kept thinking of what happened and what could happen. I couldn’t sleep, it kept me awake, I did everything to take my mind of it. but it didn’t work. And the fact that my bike wasn’t even ready, didn’t help. This morning I was very anxious, I didn’t want to biking with 50 other students around me, I felt intimidated by the thought of it. My mom has been reassuring me for days, but my dad kept postponing fixing my bike. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, my stomach was turning, I was trembling. I managed to calm down to get ready. But that didn’t last long, I was rushed and shaken. My mom agreed to let me stay home, something I had asked a couple times. She didn’t know I was this scared to go.

It’s important to know what can cause an anxiety attack. And that you can’t stop it right away, but you can work on it. But you have to do so on your pace and not someone elses. It’s also important that other people know what it means and to react in a way that actually helps you. You can read hundreds of article about symptoms, causes and treatments. But I think this is more a personal thing. It’s not because I wasn’t nauseous at the time (one of the most common symptoms), that I wasn’t having an anxiety attack. You have to feel for yourself how much your level of stress and anxiety is above the normal state. Not everybody reacts and responds the same, there are some common symptoms, but that isn’t an ‘exclusive’ list.

I am really glad I could stay home, because I heard we were separated in 9 groups and that I had non of my friends with me. I could not have done that for sure. And when someone tells you they had a panic/anxiety attack about something as simple as a bike ride or performing in front an audience, don’t ever laugh about it, because you may not know what happened.

This all said, I finish this post. I know that this is something different, but I want to know that if you have anxiety, you’re not alone, even though it can feel that way.

Lovies

That time before Christmas

Hi there!

Yup, it’s that time again. the period before Christmas. And I don’t mean the holiday shopping and decorating the house. I mean exams.

that’s right, learning and studying from the moment you get home from school, until you fall asleep on your books (gives you pain in the neck and you can’t sleep comfortable for days.) But because I’ve been studying all week and preparing oral exams, I didn’t really think of something to blog :s So I’m just gonna ramble some things. (sorry in advance)

In between learning I thought about Christmas gifts. I have absolutely no idea for what to get or who I should give one. I like giving and receiving gifts, but I don’t know what others like to get. I only came up with things in jars. I’m so original.

Then another thing is, what will I eat? This is serious business. We sit at home most of the day with lots of candy and chocolate. After 3 days that will become my lunch, just because I’m too lazy to make real food. At least we’ll have proper ‘made by mom’ dinner.

And if worrying about exams isn’t stressy enough, I have to make a big decision before the end of exams. Maybe it isn’t that big of a deal but it is for me. Do you know the BBC Public Speaking Awards? if not, it’s a competition where you have to do a 5 minute speech about one of the given subjects. I really want to participate, but it’s PUBLIC speaking and I can’t even do a presentation in front of my class without dying of anxiety. But if I don’t do it I will regret it. See, it comes with coaching days and these days could really help me getting over my stage fright. DILEMMA!!! I don’t know what to do 😮

These are my three issues, have you got any ideas, tips or advise, please let me know! It would seriously help me out, a lot! Thanks!!

Lovies