Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

The College Prude

Hello everybody!

I’m late again, but this time I do have a valid excuse! The internet in my dorm sucks, which makes daily tasks and habbits impossible and sometimes a living hell. I can’t see my online schoolnetwork, which has all my tasks and courses. It is incredably frustrating to have no internet when you’re so used to it.

But that is not the topic of this weeks post. Like my title predicts it’s about college and being prude. I wanted to make this post, because I feel like this is something you don’t see or hear often on media. Or at least I didn’t.

Being in college of uni is a big change and everybody has expectation about how it is going to be when you finally get there. You saw movies, read book, all romatisizing college life. You start dreaming and fantasizing about parties and how you will meet the love of your life in classes. And you really look forward to it!

Well that wasn’t the case for me. I been worrying and panicking about college since I was 16. Not in a good way, but in a way that gave me anxiety attacks. I am not this outgoing partygirl. I feel incredably uncomfortable at parties, even small ones in my hometown. I’d rather go to a cozy pub and have a drink with my friends and talk, then going to an overcrowded sweaty space where drunken people jump up and down. (not a problem with people who do like that, everybody is different).

Lately my group of friends has shifted from pubs to clubs. And I kind of felt the social pressure of going and liking it. And I tried to enjoy it, I really tried. I felt like a prude, like I didn’t belong here. And I ended up liking them for a whole other reason. I started drinking… a lot. it was the only way I felt comfortable there. And for some time I didn’t even notice how f*cked up that was. Until someone pointed it out to me, and I did realise drinking isn’t going to make anything better and that this ‘college life’ isn’t only this.

Like I said everybody is different and has different interests. If you don’t like parties, don’t go to them. Don’t feel pressured. Do what you like and don’t feel weird about not doing what other people do. Be yourself and do what makes you feel happy, that is college life. Doing what you love, exploring what you do or don’t like. And have fun, whatever you choose to do!

I don’t know if any of you feels or ever felt like this. But I did and writing about it helps me and maybe even others.

read you soon!

Lovies

So…college…

Hi everyone!

Still nailing the weeky updates (it’s a record I think!). So september is ending and normally there are some upcoming posts in the making! Get excited peeps!

My first week in college has ended and like my previous post said, I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to meet new people, to make new friends, to have a student life. The social anxiety level of this week was too much for me to handle. The school stuff was no problem, classes went fine, teachers are great, campus almost figured out.

But the social side of all this, it’s difficult. In my class, in my dorm, in this city,  I have this feeling I don’t belong. I am relatively social person, if I click with someone at least. I don’t haven’t that with anyone (yet). And it’s hard, being alone in my room, nothing to do. My friends are in class or home. I don’t like being alone, or feeling alone (which is even worse). Luckily I still have some old friends, who already know the real me. So I can be myself at least a couple times.

Yesterday I went to a party organised by an organisation of 2 friends of mine. And I just broke. Seeing everybody, I missed them all so much. I stood there hugging and crying for 10 minutes with my friend. I practically cried all night. My best friend and I got thorugh our problems. It was emotionally too much. I am not ready. I don’t want new friends. And even if I make new friends they will never be like them!

I hope I will feel beter soon. cuz honestly this feeling sucks. But I’m gonna try the student life, you know partying and stuff. (which isn’t at all my interpretation of having fun, but I’ll try). There are a lot of events this week for students, so let’s see where that brings me!

See y’all later

Lovies

Overload!!

Hello everybody!

To be honest, I was about to skip a week again. But here I am! The last weeks I have been stressing out about everything on the inside, while trying to maintain my cool, relax self on the outside. Let’s just say I haven’t really been enjoying the summer holiday so far, except, of course some days that I met with friends.

I have been going in overdrive the last week. I’ve agreed to more things then I can mentally handle and it is kinda ruining my vacation. Well I don’t know if it’s gonna ruin my vacation actually, because the overload of activities has yet to start.

The first 2 weeks of vacation have passed and tomorrow I start a week of children camp. Which is very exciting on one hand, but it is the first time and I cannot handle the pressure I put on myself. It is also entirely my own fault, because I am practically a professional procrastinator. I made my games this week and even changed a game just today, that is planned for tomorrow. I don’t know the people I have to work with and I don’t really know if I did what was expected from me. Get were the stress is coming from?

After, hopefully, a fun and exhausting week of playing with a lot of children, we go off to London! which is so exciting! I’ve wanted to go to London for so long and it is finally here!!! But because we leave monday morning, my mom wants me to get everything ready now, because I have to work next week. So totally unnecessary stress as well. But still LONDON WHOA!

We come back from London on Saturday afternoon and on monday I start another week of children camp. Which I still have to prepare my games for… When will I do that? I have no freaking clue!

And because that isn’t already exhausting enough, I agreed to go work at my mom’s office again for 2 weeks. So that are 5 super exhausting weeks all in a row! All because I am an awful planner.

And to finish my vacation, I have 1 week to plan my 18th birthday party with one of my closest friends. Just because we didn’t want to celebrate our birthday in autumn (when it is actually our birthday) but in summer. So ‘NovemberFest in August’ has to be planned as well. And then there is 1 week left for me to do whatever I want.

Also did I mention that I have to read 3 books for school by the end of summer? And no fantasy books, but research books….

YAY SUMMER! I swear next summer I am not working at all! It is just gonna be me and all the thing I want t o do with absolutely no stress, except for the fact that I start college then.

So here is what I have ahead of me the next weeks, so if I do not post every week, it is probably because I’ll be asleep the moment I get home.

if you liked it, please give it a like! Maybe follow me if you want to know what I will be doing in London!

Lovies

You Should Know

Hello everybody!

Today I’d like to talk about something more serious and it’s not about feminism this time. This is about something a lot of people, mostly girls, have experienced or will experience in their live… Anxiety and anxiety attacks. I am no expert in this, I’ve read quite some articles about this to understand it better. 

Like everybody else, I feel anxious from time to time. Before an exam, a job interview, going to college, moving out. But sometimes there are situations where the level of stress is higher and more overwhelming. It can be a panic attack (very intense) or an anxiety attack (same symptoms, but less intense). And that last happened to me a few times, one of them last night.

This week we have project week at school, it’s a week full of excursions with one theme. Today we had a biking trip, and I have been worrying about it ever since I’ve known about it. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, right. But last year I had to go to school by bike (something I didn’t feel confident about), but I didn’t really had much of a choice. Everything went good the first week, but then I had an accident. I was hit by a car, nothing to severe, but I broke my wrist and had a massive panic attack. Ever since that, I hadn’t even touched my bike again. I even got more panicky in the car (and I’m not even driving).

Last night I kept going over the route in my head, kept thinking of what happened and what could happen. I couldn’t sleep, it kept me awake, I did everything to take my mind of it. but it didn’t work. And the fact that my bike wasn’t even ready, didn’t help. This morning I was very anxious, I didn’t want to biking with 50 other students around me, I felt intimidated by the thought of it. My mom has been reassuring me for days, but my dad kept postponing fixing my bike. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, my stomach was turning, I was trembling. I managed to calm down to get ready. But that didn’t last long, I was rushed and shaken. My mom agreed to let me stay home, something I had asked a couple times. She didn’t know I was this scared to go.

It’s important to know what can cause an anxiety attack. And that you can’t stop it right away, but you can work on it. But you have to do so on your pace and not someone elses. It’s also important that other people know what it means and to react in a way that actually helps you. You can read hundreds of article about symptoms, causes and treatments. But I think this is more a personal thing. It’s not because I wasn’t nauseous at the time (one of the most common symptoms), that I wasn’t having an anxiety attack. You have to feel for yourself how much your level of stress and anxiety is above the normal state. Not everybody reacts and responds the same, there are some common symptoms, but that isn’t an ‘exclusive’ list.

I am really glad I could stay home, because I heard we were separated in 9 groups and that I had non of my friends with me. I could not have done that for sure. And when someone tells you they had a panic/anxiety attack about something as simple as a bike ride or performing in front an audience, don’t ever laugh about it, because you may not know what happened.

This all said, I finish this post. I know that this is something different, but I want to know that if you have anxiety, you’re not alone, even though it can feel that way.

Lovies