I’m a hypocrite

Hello everybody!

As you may see from the title this is going to be about a personal conflict that I recently discovered. I recently started watching Valeria Lipovetsky on YouTube. She is a 26-year-old model and mom, and on such a short time she made me realize that I’m being a hypocrite to myself. I want to change that fact!

even though I’ve been bullied in high school, I’ve never cried as much in a year as I have now. In fact I can count the times I’ve cried over bullying on one hand, because I know this was going to end. When high school is over, I will never have to see those people again and everything is going to be glorious. I calmed myself with the though that maybe high school wasn’t my time. But college will be.

I have never been so wrong in my entire 20 year-long life. My anxiety spike, panic is almost a constant factor in my life. I constantly feel as if I forgot half of the stuff I had to do. I do not feel happy. I am working for school all the time, I have seen my friends (what’s left of them anyway) 1 time this semester, I’ve been out 3 time. 2 of which were only till 12 o’clock or earlier, because I had school. I don’t think my studies are particularly had, but it’s all I can think about. when I don’t the panic is there within 5 minutes. I don’t know if this is what I want, actually I know this isn’t what I want.

Recently I learned that to build healthy relationship, friendship or romantic, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Because you cannot put that burden on somebody else. Thank you, Valeria, you are absolutely right. And the only times I am enjoying myself is with my friends and boyfriend. But that shouldn’t be the case, i should be happy when I’m on my own as well. I should love what I’m doing, instead of panicking and crying in my dorm.

I’ve always wanted to become a teacher, for as long as I can remember, so why shouldn’t I quit speech therapy and you do what I’ve always wanted to do? see the hypocrisy, as you may or may not know my favorite quote is:

sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

which my blog name also refers to. And I try to life by it as much as I can. So why don’t I just do it now, take my 20 seconds and change studies to do something I’ve always wanted to do? because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough? Because I lack the confidence? Because I don’t want to let people down? All of these are true thoughts I have

I can be a good speech therapist, but I could be a great teacher. Maybe I overcome my insecurities and shyness quicker, easier and better when I studying to become a teacher then with studying speech. I don’t know if I will be happier then, maybe it isn’t what I want. But honestly what I’m doing now is definitely not what I want.

So should I just take my 20 seconds and switch my career path or should I stay strong and finish this. Because that’s my biggest dilemma, change or hold on for a couple of years.
what would you do in my situation? I live in Belgium where I can change studies, I don’t live in America where I’ll end up with 10.000 dollars debts, so it’s not an unrealistic dilemma I’m having.

Lovies 

Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

Dear Reader,

FROM: B
TO: MY LOVELY READERS
SUBJECT: YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID!!

Dear Reader,

You are never going to believe what I did this week! surprise, surprise… I’ve read a book. Since my social life is non-existent with my school schedule and all the after school preps for the day after, my little free time goes to reading these day (as you may noticed since this is the third book review in a row, if it’s boring just let me know and I’ll stop). I read in every sort of spare time I have. 10 min before class? Read. waiting in the elevator? Read. Breakfast? Read. I hide in the ‘tower’ at school so I can have some quiet time to read. I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE! But hey, reading is the best thing ever!

why am I writing in email form, you ask? well, that is because it is the way my latest book and today’s subject is written. This week I’ve read the book “Love, Rosie” by Cecelia Ahern. The movie adaptation has been one of my favorite movies for years! and since lately my book genre preference is noticeably changing I gave the book a go, and I absolutely LOVED it.

The whole book is writing in letter/email/postcard/chat/call form, which is a bit weird in the beginning (especially when you saw the movie), because you only know what’s been told in the letter nothing more and nothing less. But once you are adjusted to the writing style you are so absorbed in the story that you just want to keep reading and reading! The story is in big lines the same in the movie, some other chronology. But it is far more ‘real’, as far as I can relate, you know I’m not a mother at the age of 19. But it is way more realistic than the movie (logical of course). (It also a great book if you, like me, read for 5 minutes a time, because after every letter you can stop without having the problem of stopping in the middle of a paragraph)

Rosie’s life, the ups and down get revealed through the letters, which makes it more personal, in my opinion. Everybody’s life gets into the story. Not just Alex’s and Rosie’s. I think reading the book made me appreciate the movie more. The movie is of course awfully americanized, it really romanticized the ‘being a  teen mom without a diploma’ a lot. The actual story doesn’t completely revolves around the love life of Alex and Rosie. There is so much more to it. Meeting people, making friends when you have a kid while having no job nor education. The story covers the ‘whole’ life of Rosie, also with some time jumps.

I think it is an inspirational, yet funny story about a woman trying to achieve her dreams, no matter how life turns her world upside down. Always wanting the best for everybody around her, without trying to forget her own happiness. Nobody’s life is a fairy tale, everybody has obstacles. But that doesn’t mean you are defeated even though it might feel that way. Just push through and never forget your dream, even if life gets in the way. And yes, I did cry on multiple occasions.

Love,
B ❤

 

Some Nerve and a little bit Charisma II

Hi bookwurms!

Here we are again with the next book review in line. Last time I wrote about Nerve by Jeanne Ryan. She has another book which is on the program today!

This story is also about a shy girl, Aislyn. Her shyness is actually so bad, she feels like she’s missing out on life too much. Her little brother has an illness which get threatened with gene therapy.

On one eventful day her brothers doctor takes her to her office and ask if she wanted an out of her shy self. She would become charming, popular, make her shine and yes, become charismatic. After a couple of weeks she started to notice other people having similar experiences as her. But the gene therapy they got was not as safe as they were promised.

Again I found this story very fun to read. Also not TOO much going on, you knew exactly what was happening when and why… yet there was some tension en suspense in it. It has a mystery component to it, but not in a murder mystery kind of way. It’s more an YA kind of way. They’re not going to look for murderers by themselves.

I prefered this book over Nerve, maybe because the story wasn’t that ‘far-fetched’, I know gene-therapy isn’t the nr. 1 topic,  but if that sort of therapy was available, it might just happen to you.

I think that’s why I like her books. I’ve outgrown the ‘every chapter needs something spectacular or it will get boring’- stage, like I think is quite a lot of YA fantasy books (in my own very personal opinion of course). These books were casual, no over the top unneccessary scenes. It is simple and beautiful.

I can’t really pin-point a reason why I like it so much. Maybe because I’m rather shy myself and could see myself getting extrovert, liked and popular. Who doesn’t want to be liked by others?

This short review was it for this time, more books coming soon! Hope you like them 😀

read y’all later

Lovies

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

Unnoticeable

I – am- unnoticeable. And sadly this isn’t something I made up in my head. This is something a person from my class actually used to discribe me. UNNOTICEABLE. To be honest, that stung. A lot. It hit me like a truck and hurts like hell, because that is the last feature I’d use to discribe myself. 

It is no secret I don’t particularly click with the girls in my class. I don’t feel comfortable around them, they don’t bother to even try, to reach out and get to know me. I don’t fit in. But worst of all I feel like I can’t be myself in that class. Everytime I try,I get laughed at, which doesn’t encourage to open yourself up again. It is a very shitty feeling. especially when for the last 2 years you had the change to be your loud, annoyingly enthousiastic self.

And then ofcourse there comes the part where you overthink and make it worse in my head. unnoticeable… does she meant boring, but thought that was to rude? with my very logical train of thoughts, it went more along the line of boring, not worth to put your energy in. I admit she isn’t my type of person, I would want to hang out with outside school either, but still.

I might not like the same thing like them? My definition of fun might not be partying with people I barely know and drinking all night long. I like watching movies, listening to music, reading and talking to people. I rather have dormparties, with a couple friends drinking a bit, talking a lot and having fun. But does that make me boring or unnoticeable? Just because I don’t feel comfortable doing those things with them? Because in that case, I love being boring.

Don’t get me wrong, not all 26 of them are like that. I do have a couple girls I spend lunchperiods and we’re getting along more and more. Also my boyfriend transferred from psychology to speech therapy, so now he does the same thing like me. And that does help me to be more myself and open up with other people too. I know what you might think, that girls who clinges around her boyfriend all the time, how annoying! I admit it is dangerous seeing each other that much, almost depending on each other to be there (he doens’t click with his class either). But for now that system works great. And maybe someday I can be the exclamation point I reallly am.

Sorry for the boring life problems, but I might help other, who know. It is not easy for everybody to connect to other people and fit in without changing who you are.It took me a while to post this one, I wrote it over 2 months ago when I just recieved the label unnoticeable. And I didn’t know if I should post it or not, but here is it anayway. Why have a blog to share your story if you don’t share it.

Thanks for reading, read y’all soon!

Lovies

I can’t make friends

Hello everybody!

This week I’d like to write about yet another things I have on my mind. This is slowly becoming my personal problem forum, where I just rant about things that bother me and pretend I can give advice about it to for other people :p

(Reminder: The advice I give about things like this are just stuff that helped me personally and maybe can help others)

So I’m in college now, I go to a school where magically only 2 people I know go to. I also didn’t know anybody in my year/eductation (however you say it in english). And I’m having more trouble making friends then I expected.

I don’t know what bothers me the most:
a) Not clicking with anyone in particular
b) Seeing that others have it so easy making BFF’s on the second day
c) That I start to think I don’t need friends

I’m not saying I don’t like my class! They are amazing people and very social. But you know when you found someone who just is your friend, maybe not the first week or two. But eventually you actually see them as a friend. I don’t really have that. I have girls who I think could become my friends, but the insecure part of me convinces me that they don’t like me and that they are just being friendly.

Then second, I envy those people who were (literally) acting like BFF’s since the second day of the year. I’m not even exaggerating on this one. But than on the other hand, how can you become so close friends with someone you don’t know?
The reason (I think) why I’m having such a hard time making friends is because I had the best friends ever. Two years ago I had nobody and then I changed classes nad had so many amazing friends. So maybe that’s what makes it so hard?

But do I need new friends? I’d wanna say know, but having friends in your class, to talk to in school or lectures, it makes it easier. you know schoolfriends, people you talk to in school, but the minute you walk out and you go your seperate ways. But eventualy they can become your friends.

But I have hope! The girls I sit with now are very friendly, nice and unless I’m wrong and they actually hate me. They might become my friends. But I’m friendly to everyone in my class, I talk to everybody, I help were I can (without being used, cuz that’s not how to make friends). It’s gonna be alright, I’m gonna be fine.

Thank you for reading another episode of ‘Complaning about basis problems that aren’t even problems, I’m just a wuss.’

read y’all soon

Lovies

Vacation, Work and Friends

Hi everybody!

How are ya’ll doin’? pretty fine, I hope. It’s been a while since my last post. And to be honest I could’ve written one about the week before spring break, because we had project week. But I was too lazy and couldn’t be bothered actually writing it. Also because I don’t think you’re very interested in which museums we visited and how we ignored the tasks we had to do in different cities and took a 3 hour lunch instead.

that said, I didn’t really had anything prepared for this week. Because again I’m lazy. But I had to work all week and fell asleep the moment my head hit the couch. Yet, I didn’t want to slack a week AGAIN, I really want to make this work.

So actually I should probably go to bed, because I have to get up at 5.15AM. But here I am, got my tea ready and my candle lit. So let’s do this.

As I said, I’ve been working all day. And not in a clothing store or other poplar students jobs. I have been working at my moms office. And I is literally mind-numbing,Scanning piles and piles of documents isn’t something you have to have brains for. But that isn’t the main thing I have on my mind. Last week it was unusually hot, warm and sunny. And I was filing documents all alone, surrounded by boxes. While my friends went shopping.

I realised that I really missed my friends, I felt  a little lonely. I’ve never had that, not before this school year at least. I’ve always been in a class where I didn’t have friends, I was always the one siting alone in the back, never saying anything. But this year I’m a the opposite. I have lots of friends in my class and other classes, I feel more confident and accepted. I never realised how much a class could do to your school year. I used to care too much what other people thought of me, and because of that I never been myself. I am a loud, weird, awkward person and I don’t care that other people think I’m annoying because of that. I have friends as crazy as me, who instead of judging me, go along in the weirdness. And if you can be your true self, you’ll find true friends. I don’t want to waste any more of my time on pleasing people who don’t like me.

Somehow when I write a non-prepared post they always end up getting pretty deep. All I want to say is, lose the fake friends, be who you are, who you want to be; Spend more time with the people you like and who like you. Don’t wast your time.

By the way I’m trying to get my schedule full for the whole week. I have catching up to do! 2 of the 5 days are already planned 😀

I hope you enjoyed this little catch up with a message 🙂 if you did, give it a like 😉

Lovies