I’m a hypocrite

Hello everybody!

As you may see from the title this is going to be about a personal conflict that I recently discovered. I recently started watching Valeria Lipovetsky on YouTube. She is a 26-year-old model and mom, and on such a short time she made me realize that I’m being a hypocrite to myself. I want to change that fact!

even though I’ve been bullied in high school, I’ve never cried as much in a year as I have now. In fact I can count the times I’ve cried over bullying on one hand, because I know this was going to end. When high school is over, I will never have to see those people again and everything is going to be glorious. I calmed myself with the though that maybe high school wasn’t my time. But college will be.

I have never been so wrong in my entire 20 year-long life. My anxiety spike, panic is almost a constant factor in my life. I constantly feel as if I forgot half of the stuff I had to do. I do not feel happy. I am working for school all the time, I have seen my friends (what’s left of them anyway) 1 time this semester, I’ve been out 3 time. 2 of which were only till 12 o’clock or earlier, because I had school. I don’t think my studies are particularly had, but it’s all I can think about. when I don’t the panic is there within 5 minutes. I don’t know if this is what I want, actually I know this isn’t what I want.

Recently I learned that to build healthy relationship, friendship or romantic, you have to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Because you cannot put that burden on somebody else. Thank you, Valeria, you are absolutely right. And the only times I am enjoying myself is with my friends and boyfriend. But that shouldn’t be the case, i should be happy when I’m on my own as well. I should love what I’m doing, instead of panicking and crying in my dorm.

I’ve always wanted to become a teacher, for as long as I can remember, so why shouldn’t I quit speech therapy and you do what I’ve always wanted to do? see the hypocrisy, as you may or may not know my favorite quote is:

sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

which my blog name also refers to. And I try to life by it as much as I can. So why don’t I just do it now, take my 20 seconds and change studies to do something I’ve always wanted to do? because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough? Because I lack the confidence? Because I don’t want to let people down? All of these are true thoughts I have

I can be a good speech therapist, but I could be a great teacher. Maybe I overcome my insecurities and shyness quicker, easier and better when I studying to become a teacher then with studying speech. I don’t know if I will be happier then, maybe it isn’t what I want. But honestly what I’m doing now is definitely not what I want.

So should I just take my 20 seconds and switch my career path or should I stay strong and finish this. Because that’s my biggest dilemma, change or hold on for a couple of years.
what would you do in my situation? I live in Belgium where I can change studies, I don’t live in America where I’ll end up with 10.000 dollars debts, so it’s not an unrealistic dilemma I’m having.

Lovies 

Bare

Did you ever had to open yourself up, completely uncover yourself? Did you ever have to unveil your being and thinking? Did you ever have to expose and uncover everything in front of a group. If you have you will understand that this sucks…

Today I had to do a presentation about myself. Not an elementary school presentation like ‘hi, my name is …, and my hobbies are…. I like this because ….’ You did have to do the presentation based on things you like. But it was more about ‘what are your qualities and what are your ‘faults”. This could have gone fairly easy, I could’ve just told the ‘story of my life’, but that wasn’t the purpose. You really had to reveal yourself, for an exam with a creative task to accompany it.

Like I said, this can be an easy assignment, but it’s a lot harder when your insecure and in a rather bad period in your life AND have to tell that to a class who are practically strangers to me. I builded my presentation in a way that the parts where I was most likely to break and cry were more to the end, so that I didn’t cry the whole time. That plan didn’t work out.

when it comes to expressing feelings I am way better at it writing about it than talking. I am more rational when it comes to writing, maybe that’s why I have less trouble sharing this all to random strangers on the internet. I wrote my text weeks ago, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, not just some thought in my head. I never realised how much of an affects some of these thoughts had untill I spoke them, for real, to a group.

Things I thought were just a strive where actually thoughts that are preventing me of doing so. I always thought that my strive to become smarter and more creative were helping me, but today I realised this is the same thought that make me feel I’m not good enough. I never realised how much this played inside my head, untill I started crying in class.

somehow the ‘support’ and compliments of my classmates (who are strangers to me) were strangely uplifting, even though they only heard part of the story. This show again that simple compliments can really make your day suck a little less.

so here is my simple compliment to you all if you having a rough day…

You are important, you do matter and you are as fabulous as a baby panda riding a rainbow coloured turtle!

Lovies 

Dear Reader,

FROM: B
TO: MY LOVELY READERS
SUBJECT: YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID!!

Dear Reader,

You are never going to believe what I did this week! surprise, surprise… I’ve read a book. Since my social life is non-existent with my school schedule and all the after school preps for the day after, my little free time goes to reading these day (as you may noticed since this is the third book review in a row, if it’s boring just let me know and I’ll stop). I read in every sort of spare time I have. 10 min before class? Read. waiting in the elevator? Read. Breakfast? Read. I hide in the ‘tower’ at school so I can have some quiet time to read. I HAVE NO LIFE ANYMORE! But hey, reading is the best thing ever!

why am I writing in email form, you ask? well, that is because it is the way my latest book and today’s subject is written. This week I’ve read the book “Love, Rosie” by Cecelia Ahern. The movie adaptation has been one of my favorite movies for years! and since lately my book genre preference is noticeably changing I gave the book a go, and I absolutely LOVED it.

The whole book is writing in letter/email/postcard/chat/call form, which is a bit weird in the beginning (especially when you saw the movie), because you only know what’s been told in the letter nothing more and nothing less. But once you are adjusted to the writing style you are so absorbed in the story that you just want to keep reading and reading! The story is in big lines the same in the movie, some other chronology. But it is far more ‘real’, as far as I can relate, you know I’m not a mother at the age of 19. But it is way more realistic than the movie (logical of course). (It also a great book if you, like me, read for 5 minutes a time, because after every letter you can stop without having the problem of stopping in the middle of a paragraph)

Rosie’s life, the ups and down get revealed through the letters, which makes it more personal, in my opinion. Everybody’s life gets into the story. Not just Alex’s and Rosie’s. I think reading the book made me appreciate the movie more. The movie is of course awfully americanized, it really romanticized the ‘being a  teen mom without a diploma’ a lot. The actual story doesn’t completely revolves around the love life of Alex and Rosie. There is so much more to it. Meeting people, making friends when you have a kid while having no job nor education. The story covers the ‘whole’ life of Rosie, also with some time jumps.

I think it is an inspirational, yet funny story about a woman trying to achieve her dreams, no matter how life turns her world upside down. Always wanting the best for everybody around her, without trying to forget her own happiness. Nobody’s life is a fairy tale, everybody has obstacles. But that doesn’t mean you are defeated even though it might feel that way. Just push through and never forget your dream, even if life gets in the way. And yes, I did cry on multiple occasions.

Love,
B ❤

 

Some Nerve and a little bit Charisma II

Hi bookwurms!

Here we are again with the next book review in line. Last time I wrote about Nerve by Jeanne Ryan. She has another book which is on the program today!

This story is also about a shy girl, Aislyn. Her shyness is actually so bad, she feels like she’s missing out on life too much. Her little brother has an illness which get threatened with gene therapy.

On one eventful day her brothers doctor takes her to her office and ask if she wanted an out of her shy self. She would become charming, popular, make her shine and yes, become charismatic. After a couple of weeks she started to notice other people having similar experiences as her. But the gene therapy they got was not as safe as they were promised.

Again I found this story very fun to read. Also not TOO much going on, you knew exactly what was happening when and why… yet there was some tension en suspense in it. It has a mystery component to it, but not in a murder mystery kind of way. It’s more an YA kind of way. They’re not going to look for murderers by themselves.

I prefered this book over Nerve, maybe because the story wasn’t that ‘far-fetched’, I know gene-therapy isn’t the nr. 1 topic,  but if that sort of therapy was available, it might just happen to you.

I think that’s why I like her books. I’ve outgrown the ‘every chapter needs something spectacular or it will get boring’- stage, like I think is quite a lot of YA fantasy books (in my own very personal opinion of course). These books were casual, no over the top unneccessary scenes. It is simple and beautiful.

I can’t really pin-point a reason why I like it so much. Maybe because I’m rather shy myself and could see myself getting extrovert, liked and popular. Who doesn’t want to be liked by others?

This short review was it for this time, more books coming soon! Hope you like them 😀

read y’all later

Lovies

Some Nerve and a little bit Charisma

Hi booklover!

This one is for you guys!! Since I made the switch from paper to digital I have more opportunities to read, which is very awesome! I’ve set myself a reasonable Reading Challenge on Goodreads in Januari and I’m back on track!

You may or may not have guessed which books I’m going to review today. But two of my recent readings were Nerve and Charisma by Jeanne Ryan. You may know Nerve from the movie adaptation with Emma Roberts and Dave Franco. Well, there was indeed a novel first!

nerve

NERVE
To survive this game, choosing DARE is your only option…

Let me start by saying that if you’ve watched the movie and (like me) do not like book after movie, but feel stupid because you didn’t know there was a book, GOOD NEWS. The book is NOTHING like the movie. honestly I don’t think the producers even read it.

The story is about a girl, Vee, who is a shy ‘behind – the – scenes’ kind of girl. And like any teenage gal she has a best friend and of course a hubba hubba crush. While they are performing there schoolplay, there are prelimination for this super exciting and mega popular game called NERVE.

Things get a little out of hand at the schoolplay, and in a rage Vee sign up for her first DARE. She get selected and chosen for the live rounds where she can win amazing prizes. And to top that all, she gets partnered with Ian…

But how far will you go to get what you want?

Althought it is COMPLETELY different than the movie (which is one of my faves) I really liked it! It was exciting to read without needing constant action prompts. There is like this ‘suggestion’ build up to every dare. You read the reaction of the characters and your mind immediatly goes to ‘what will they have to do now?’ ‘How will they do it?’.

It has this psychological part in it, which makes you think what you would do if you were Vee. It also has enough action and detail. Unlike the movie there is a lot of background in this story, which really puts the story in a different perspective. The fact that you discover new pieces of those background ’till the very last chapter makes the character more interesting.

Also I really like Jeanne Ryans writing style, it’s easy to read, yet diverse. I can’t really discribe it, I’m not an expert. You could just keep reading, no complicated sentences or chapters that take a century to get through.

I just really really liked it!

This was part one of the Jeanne Ryan reviews, next time I will review Charmisa.

Hope you like it! I’m not a pro in writing review, just sharing some of my books :p

read y’all later

Lovies

 

I’m broke but I had fun

Hello eveybody!

It’s been a while again 😦 March was pretty busy. Lots of classes, projects and stuff. But it was also a very fun month… I had a lot to look forward to and that is what I want to share with you guys!

As I mentioned a couple of times before, I am not a person to go to clubs and parties. The thing I do like very much is going to concerts. Which you might have noticed as well. This month I’ve been to 3, yes 3 concerts and they were AMAZING!

first one up is the performance of Nicolas. Nicolas is a magician who became famous on Belgium’s Got Talent. Later on he got his own tv-show. And this year he did live performances in ‘small town’ theatre. (because magic is more fun up close). He was amazing! Mostly it were basics tricks with a twist which gives it actually a pretty big ‘wow’-effect. The only thing I didn’t like as much was the audience participation. I was scared to dead that he was going to pull my up on stage. 1/3 of the show I felt panic. But still really really great!! (sorry no pics of this one)

A week later came the concert I never knew I needed or even come to Belgium. “Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone IN CONCERT”. I am a massive Harry Potter fan (which I will prove again later this post). I was looking forward to this moment from the minute I bought the tickets. My sister and her friend and my best friend ans me got on the train to Antwerp.

And that was quite a story. A probably drunk man started yelling at us (in Italian we guesses) because we were talking to each other. For a whole hour he did so. When we got of the train he followed us through the station. And because of the terror alarm here, there were army guys. We told them and they immediately when to check on him. Thank you, army guys!!

The concert itself was just unbelievable! our conductor was such a funny guy. He told us to feel free to cheer for our favorite house or favorite character as much as we wanted. The first immense cheer was for Mister Olivander, but the biggest introduction cheer was for non other than Professor Severus Snape. We all cheered when first years were put in our houses, we cheered at the quidditch match. It was so much fun, and because of that it really felt as if you were actually IN the movie! Just MAGICAL!

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And then there was the moment I’ve been waiting for almost 3 years! Lindsey Stirling finally returned to belgium with the Brave Enough Tour! I’ve been stalking her social media for so long and this month she came back. And I only cried 3 times. I was accompanied by my ‘equally obsessed with Lindsey Stirling’ – friend. It was so so so perfect, even better than I had imagined. If you don’t know her look her up!

Lindsey Striling is a dancing violist. her music is a mix of dubstep and pop (I think, I don’t know that much about music). But she danced almost all the time along with her back up dancers. Throughout the show she shared stories, personal stories, the meanings of her songs. She is such a strong person and a fighter. it was funny too, the whole band played some song on toy instruments, how cool is that! She is amazing and I don’t think any concert will ever top this one. AND she actually stood 3 meters away from my, I could’ve touched her if I wanted, but she was playing so I couldn’t.
crying moments: when it started – one of the stories she told – the encore song

And then last but definitely not least. Because surprisingly enough within a month I made friends, like actual friend I don’t have to put effort in to like. How come, you ask? They love Harry Potter as much as I do! We all went to FACTS together, cosplaying as HP character (rather poorly, only had a month to prep, because we’ve been friends for only a month). FACTS is the Belgian Comic Con, and it was my first time. I felt like a toddler in a theme park. I was so happy!

If any Belgian people are reading this, and went to Facts on saturday, we were the people handing out compliments to every one :p Such a Hufflepuff thing to do

Well this was a very long post, sorry about that. Anyway hope you liked it. I have a feeling this post isn’t organised at all… oops, I will revise it soon

read y’all later

Lovies

Stop, Breathe, Think

I feel like i’ve lost control over anything I do. And that’s a crappy way to feel. I have the feeling I’m going in overdrive to cope with the overload of stuff going on. 

I just had 3 weeks of 8 to 5 or 8 to 6 courses. Which is already a long day to stay focused in my opinion. I’m exhausted everyday and fall asleep as soon as I get home. Some days not even bothering to make dinner. There are days I don’t come home and sleep, and that’s when I have deadlines and groupprojects or tasks to work on or finish. And because all the tasks that pop-up the day before, I go to bed guilty because I didn’t do any studying. My life right now is just a messed up combination of stress, exhaustion and guilt.

This week I was talking to a girl in my class who has sort of the same problem as I. She told me she talked to are course counselor (like a guidance counsler) and she suggested to maybe make an appointment as well. I decided to do that, which is a big deal for me. I don’t like to admit I need help, specially with mental stuff. Most of the time I think I’m just overreacting and that I just need to work harder. But with the stress I’m feeling when I’m not studying, I can’t keep doing that.

But because our course counselor is in Africa for 3 week at the moment. I searched for methods to make me more energetic in the morning. Didn’t find that seemed to stick. So I went on with methodes to improve your sleep, by reducing stress. That does work for me! I’ve been using the meditation app “Stop, Breathe, Think” for month now, and I love it! I put it on almost every night when I go to bed. The app selects a meditation session based on the mood you put in it. There are sessions to improve your mood when you’re feeling down and sessions to empower your good mood when you’re happy. It has various sort of sessions.

The second app I use, and recently downloaded is “Relax Rain”. I noticed that 1 of my lost played mediations session was ‘nature sound’, but this one only last 3 minutes. So I started going through google play and found this app. It’s just rain, but you can choose setting (like in a forest, in the car,… sounds slightly different), you can add thunder and lighting, music and a timer!!!! MAJOR PLUS for me!

And because a good sleep is always a good start of the following day. I really recommend this to maybe reduce some of your stress right before going to bed.

Hopefully it was at least usefull and read y’all later!!

Lovies

I left Papertown

Hello everybody!!

As I already said in one of my last post, I didn’t get to reading quite as much as I would’ve like these past years. So about a month ago I did something I told myself to never get into…. I bought an e-reader… *DUMDUMDUUUUM*

Why did I buy an e-reader? well for the simple reason that I am a student, I don’t have money to spare and sadly book are expensive 😥 and e-books are generally cheaper or even free. And with the whole ‘living on my own’-thing I spend quite some evenings alone in my little studio, not seeing my friends as much, I just crave books.So with that reasoning in mind I just went straight in and bought one.

Well… I didn’t just buy the first one I googled of course! I researched for a couple of weeks, intensively. Because even though my dad knows his shizzle about technology… yet he always tells me I have to research everything. Fun right? trying to figure out what an CPU is and if 1 GHz Freescale i.MX507 is good or not? Having a blast googling processors and resolution comparisons!

Anyhow, I already had 2 brands which I knew were ‘the best’ when it comes to e-readers. The all around famous Kindle from Amazon and Kobo. There are other brands but all the tech sites had these, so let’s go trust the internet. After comparing all the e-reader, in my budget of course, I chose the Kobo Aura second edition (my second in line was the Kindle paperwhite). This one isn’t the best best of the best, but a really good one for the prize. There was an Kindle alternative, but I’ve read Kindle doesn’t open epub-formate books, which I already have.

But why do I write this post?
Just to let you know that e-readers aren’t really that bad. I’ve come to love mine. he doesn’t have backlight or color, so no hard time on your eyes. It has stats, for example it tracks your progress, you’re ‘hours read’, ‘books finished’, it even gives you awards Looks like ‘real’ paper print. I do really like that you can change the font, the size, the line spacing and the margins And I LOVE how in most of the books I have on my Kobo have the font ‘open dyslexic’. My nurse told me last time that she hated it that she never got to read books because she has severe dyslexia and she has to concentrate so hard on reading the words right, that she doesn’t know what she is reading. So I set one of my books in that font, made it bigger and add more line spacing and she liked it!

okay, the anecdote was maybe a bit boring, but dyslexia is a part of my education, so I found that really cool. And I may be going a bit overboard with the love of my Kobo. But it comes in really handy in boring lectures, cuz no teacher sees it. And it’s small (6 inches) so you can take it anywhere (and I do), the battery goes one for weeks.

I’m gonna stop, cuz this is probably not interesting to read. But I’m over excited while writing it.

e-reader

I still have my old beautiful actually printed book and I even go old school and handwrite my blog post

Read y’all later

Lovies

 

Caraval by Stephanie Garber

Hello everybody!!

This time I’m writing a book review, something I haven’t done in a REAAAAALY long time. I think this is the first book I’ve read in over a year that wasn’t an assignment and yes I am ashamed of it, because I absolutely LOVE reading. But before I start I want to thank everybody for the sweet comments and like on my previous post ‘Unnoticeable’. It means the world to me! 

Now lets started!

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Like I said, Caraval is the first book I’ve read in a really long time and I was absolutely delighted! It was so amazing it just peaked my love for reading agian! So thank you Stephanie! It’s a book full of magic, mystery and love and I adored it!

A little introduction to the book!

Scarlett and het sister Donatelle are the daughters of a very severe and dominant father. They are trapped on the island he reigns. Scarletts father arranged a marriage for her to a count from another isle. Not for her benefit but for his.

Scarlett has been dreaming of going to Caraval since she was only a little girl and every year she would write to Legend, the man behind the magic, asking if Caraval would ever come to their Island. But she never got a respons. Until one fortunate day! she recieved 3 tickets to go to Legend’s infamous Isle were reality fades away in illusion of magic. Telle immediately grabs the chance to  leave and figures out a way to get her sister to come along. But once they arrived Tella has vanished! Legend decided that Scarlett’s sister was this years mystery to solve. Not only for Scarlett but for ALL participants the search for Donatella is the main concern, but not for the same reason as Scarlett. But remember it’s only a game!

It was such a beautiful book , you get sucked in the story from the first sentence ’till the last. I read it in one go, I just couldn’t put it down. I could just feel the magic, I had to remind myself that it was only a game IN a book! But in a way you need to feel the magic to solve the mystery . that’s right, YOU along with scarlett discover what this mysterious Caraval has to offer. And when you think you’ve got it all figured out, magic happens and the carousel turns around.

I really really loved, and hope there might come a sequel or maybe a prequel! The Love, the Magic, the game and the mystery it is amazing! All I could think was ‘Come Back Yesterday‘ so I could reread it all over again!

I hope you liked this little review and read you all soon!

Lovies

Unnoticeable

I – am- unnoticeable. And sadly this isn’t something I made up in my head. This is something a person from my class actually used to discribe me. UNNOTICEABLE. To be honest, that stung. A lot. It hit me like a truck and hurts like hell, because that is the last feature I’d use to discribe myself. 

It is no secret I don’t particularly click with the girls in my class. I don’t feel comfortable around them, they don’t bother to even try, to reach out and get to know me. I don’t fit in. But worst of all I feel like I can’t be myself in that class. Everytime I try,I get laughed at, which doesn’t encourage to open yourself up again. It is a very shitty feeling. especially when for the last 2 years you had the change to be your loud, annoyingly enthousiastic self.

And then ofcourse there comes the part where you overthink and make it worse in my head. unnoticeable… does she meant boring, but thought that was to rude? with my very logical train of thoughts, it went more along the line of boring, not worth to put your energy in. I admit she isn’t my type of person, I would want to hang out with outside school either, but still.

I might not like the same thing like them? My definition of fun might not be partying with people I barely know and drinking all night long. I like watching movies, listening to music, reading and talking to people. I rather have dormparties, with a couple friends drinking a bit, talking a lot and having fun. But does that make me boring or unnoticeable? Just because I don’t feel comfortable doing those things with them? Because in that case, I love being boring.

Don’t get me wrong, not all 26 of them are like that. I do have a couple girls I spend lunchperiods and we’re getting along more and more. Also my boyfriend transferred from psychology to speech therapy, so now he does the same thing like me. And that does help me to be more myself and open up with other people too. I know what you might think, that girls who clinges around her boyfriend all the time, how annoying! I admit it is dangerous seeing each other that much, almost depending on each other to be there (he doens’t click with his class either). But for now that system works great. And maybe someday I can be the exclamation point I reallly am.

Sorry for the boring life problems, but I might help other, who know. It is not easy for everybody to connect to other people and fit in without changing who you are.It took me a while to post this one, I wrote it over 2 months ago when I just recieved the label unnoticeable. And I didn’t know if I should post it or not, but here is it anayway. Why have a blog to share your story if you don’t share it.

Thanks for reading, read y’all soon!

Lovies